Monday, December 06, 2004
tears in my eyes.
sometimes, things aren't what they always seem to be. it seems as if i've got my life together already, helping out in church activities, meeting up with lots of friends, having lots of time before going to hell, always a smiling face. beneath all that are a bundled load of crap waiting to be sorted out. family problems rampaging through the house, friendship and other problems scouring through my mind. might sound so typical in a teenage drama life but FUCK! i'm already 18! closing my sorry ass life as a teen but i keep getting these fucking problems! dad's a fucking pain in the ass cuz he keeps thinking he's superior and stuff and that we are always leaving him behind. always making mom cry over SHIT things and swearing at my bro n his wife. if he isn't my dad, my tolerance level would have been at a boiling point right now. but fuck. he IS my dad. after all, he's brought all of us up with such commitment i hardly find in some dads. but all these that are happening now doesn't seem worth it to bring up the past to compensate for the now. it's all the pretence that i hate most in him. pretending that our family is perfect in the eyes of the outsiders. that we have no problem with each other. ESPECIALLY YESTERDAY. and my brother's wedding too. fuck, he had me fooled that we're finally bonded together. we're not. we're FAR from being a FAMILY. having a bro who's travelling overseas and knows shit about our current situation now doesn't exactly help much either. it's like, a nightmare i cannot wake up from. always living in fear. always hoping he'd be working and always will be out when he reaches home. seriouslly, i need all the help i can get. it must be the fucking job he's holding on to now which makes him so damn suspicious of the things around him. OH WHY DID I HAVE TO APPEAR IN THIS GODDAMN WORLD!? why can't my dad be a happy-go-lucky dad who's not TOO streetwise? amongst all of those shit he's making us go through now, i can't just lose my cool at him. not after all he's done for us. well, at least in the past 18 years. why does growing up have to be so tedious? WHY must i admire other people's fathers and be ashamed of my own? WHY does he hafta do the things he's doing now? i need help.. pls help me..
KICKED ASS AT 12/06/2004 11:51:00 AM.
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ME
hi, i'm ben, you can call me ben, ben tan, benjamin tan, choc god, whatever.. just don't call me suzy. i'm your not-so-average guy next door (if you really are my neighbour), otherwise i'm just your not-so-average guy. i'm fascinated with ah bengs and their ability to survive in the world right here right now. if i have the money and time and an ah beng, i'll conduct a series of tests and experiments to see how they do it. don't you wanna know too? BY GEORGE...
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